Unfortunately, I have a reason to post today.
My therapist had been pushing me to write more to increase my ‘level of support’ but to be honest, I just wasn’t feeling it. Perhaps it was about not wanting to encounter triggers, perhaps it was simply that there wasn’t much drama.
Overall, things have been going well for my wife and I. She and I have been talking at a more intimate level and connecting better. We haven’t gotten into couple’s therapy yet, like I’ve wanted, but I wasn’t going to make huge issue of it as her recovery was going well.
Today, I was in the kitchen getting ready for the day. She was there too, listen to music and getting the kids ready for school. I noticed a text message pop up on her phone. As always, my heart sinks a little bit when this happens with worry. I looked over and it was ‘the number’ of her last acting out partner. The same number that I recognized from all the drama this summer. I said, “you got a text…” She looked and I asked, “is it him”. She said that it was. She said that he continues to text her and try to get her attention but she deletes them and hopes it goes away. She said she can’t bring herself to have the hard conversations and wants it just to stop.
I was gut shot. I explained how hard it is normally. Being triggered at the supermarket and other places where I’m constantly thinking and worrying about this. To see this is so painful. We talked about it. She didn’t try to avoid it or turn away from me. She said that he continues to try to contact her and that she wants him to stop. She also said that sometimes she thought about acting out and that it was hard to deal with them. I told her we have to find a way to move forward on things between us and be able to talk about these thing. I need to know if he’s contacting her and especially if she’s replying.
She said she knows but that it’s so hard for her to face these discussions. She didn’t put up the wall for this discussion. She was present and as far I can tell, honest about how she was feeling. That’s the good thing, that she was willing to talk and didn’t run away. The bad thing is that events are still happening and I don’t know about them.
I had to run out and when I came back, I started to make small talk. I really wasn’t wanting to reengage. But SHE was the one the started the hard talk. She said that she loves me and that she wants to make things work, but she doesn’t know what to do to make things better. I told her that I think things are getting better, but that we still have a long way to go. She agreed.
It just so happens I had my therapy appointment this morning. So I left from her and went to go see the therapist.
I broke down a bit recounting what had happened. I told the therapist that I wasn’t going to talk to her tonight and ask for her to call the guy and tell him to stop contacting her, with me in the room. Also, I’m going to ask to meet with her therapist to better understand her recovery program. I need to be firm and clear on my needs and even though it might be hard for her, she needs to do what I ask.
It’s been hard enough with all the infidelity and sex addiction in the news over the holidays to keep a good attitude. I really didn’t need this… I feel literally sick inside as I type this.
On the good side, it will push both of our recoveries forward. As much as I didn’t want to accept the recovery timelines in the books that show years, it’s true. This stuff takes years to deal with.
I feel completely drained and have a full day of work ahead. Perhaps a chocolate bar will help. ;)
I sincerely hope you are having a better day. (If I have any readers left..)