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Today I had to go into my wife’s email to get some info.   She’s out of town on a trip to see family and I needed the flight confirmation number to change the reservation.

I have been scared to look at her phone and email since I started learning about everything.  Scared to the point that it makes my stomach upset.  While some people want to know all the details and check up on their spouse, I don’t.

In thinking about this, I considered calling her and having her forward me the email so I had no chance of seeing anything.  I realized this wasn’t very reasonable thinking.

Today I turned on her computer and said to myself, “There’s probably nothing there, and if there is, it’s not your fault.”  I found the info quickly and printed it out.   I didn’t see anything to concern me while doing this and felt relief.

It’s a little step.  A small victory, or as the therapist says, “One for the win column.”  I’ll take all the wins I can get.

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Today I told my wife how I felt about her depression.  I told her that thought it would be a good idea for her to talk with her psychiatrist about getting back on anti-depressants.  I told her it was her call, but that I felt her depression was hurting me.

I was struggling with either doing nothing or crafting up an elaborate plan to make it happen.  Typical of my all-or-nothing perfectionism.   For days I’ve been going over and over in my head how to deal with her depression.  Part of me says ‘stop controlling’, part of me says ‘you have to do something’.

Hard to believe that something like that wsa so hard for me and that I actually teared up and I said to her.  Now that I know about this codependance stuff, I hate it.  This middle path stuff is hard.

I just want to feel sane and not think so much about every little thing.

So I went to the therapist that several of the ladies from the S-Anon group mentioned.  It helped a bit to talk things through again.

He started going on about Codependance and handed me a book.  He said, ” I think this is you.  Give it a read.”

To be honest, I wasn’t really believing the codependance stuff and how I needed recovery.  I knew that I needed help to keep my feelings from making me crazy, but the idea that I was broken in some way didn’t really click.

Until I read the first chapter of the book:

Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

I read that chapter and it absolutely nailed it.  The need to be perfect.  The need for the esteem of other people.  Tamping down my anger when I don’t get the esteem I want.  

I read it over and over.  She was talking exactly to me and how I see the world.

That’s when I had the proverbial ‘moment of clarity’ that my Al-anon buddy talks about.

There’s a lot a have to learn, but now I can accept that I could use some help for my problems too, in a tangible, real way.  

It is still very tough to fight my desire to do things to make my wife feel happy since she is so depressed, but at least I can think about trying not to when I have the feeling.

I have been resisting the urge to learn more about the details.  That means not looking at her email or computer.

Today I was doing something and ran across an address book of hers that had then name of a man in it that I knew she had been involved with.  My heart sank.  The pain came rushing back and my mind started racing again.

It’s nothing I didn’t know before, but the hurt felt fresh.  My mind started racing about everything again.  My stomach has been in knots all day.

I wish I could make the feeling go away, but I can’t.  I feel stuck and unable to move forward.

This sucks!

This is an anonymous weblog of a man who is married to a sex addict.  I found very few resorces for straight men to help dealing with their wives, so hopefully others will find this useful.