Worn thin

I’m feeling a bit thin these days.  Between home & work, there’s a lot going on.

On the good side, I’m less wound up thinking about my wife and the past events.  My mind still shoots off to random places when I encounter a trigger, but I haven’t had that stomach dropping feeling for a while.  

I’ve been thinking about codependency a bit and talking it over with a therapist and the ladies at S-Anon.  It helps to talk things out, but I still want things to go faster toward healing.

My wife is still depressed, but not every moment of the day.  I’m doing better by not constantly trying to make her feel better.  I simply let her be.  If she asks for my help, I am eager to help, but I’m not offering unsolicited help right now.  It seems to work.  She’s reaching toward me more now that she feels less pressure.

I’ve been considering sitting down and formally setting boundaries with her regarding her addiction.  Not so much that I think she’s acting out, but to help me assert my concerns and feelings.  Part of me thinks it will be good to say these things to her so she knows my expectations and what will hurt me, part of me is scared that she will be upset.  I guess I need to do what’s right for me, even if it makes her uncomfortable.  Seems crazy, but it’s what I worry about, even considering what she has done and it’s effect on me.

Just one more reason, I need to deal with my own issues.

I just want a good night’s sleep and a day that I never think about anything related to my and my wife’s issues.

I guess this is what they mean by serenity

Today has been a good day.  I’m not feeling the whirlwind in my head.

My wife didn’t wake up in a good mood and I was able to say to myself, “She’s in a bad mood, it has nothing to do with you.  Don’t go overboard trying to make her happy.”

She drove me to work and it was OK.  We even had a tough discussion about getting a new car.  She’s pissed we aren’t getting a better deal.  I told her I understand that, but that I don’t want to get a worse car just to ‘get back’ at the dealer she doesn’t like.

I was a bit nervous that this would anger her and put her into a worse mood, but I said it anyways.  Of course, it was fine and she didn’t get bent over my trivial comment.   I just need to work on actively saying what I feel and not trying to please her so much.  I guess it’s progress not perfection, right.

She had her meeting with her therapist today.  I’m anxious to hear how it went.  I let her bring it up and tell me what she’s comfortable with.  Then I start to wonder if I’m being codependent by not asking and get myself into a logic loop.  All in time I guess.

One more little thing.  This weekend my mother called and wanted to chat.  We chatted for a bit, but then she started down the path talking just to pass the time.  Normally I just put up withthis, but I really hate this kind of thing.  I told her, “You know Mom, I know you just want to keep talking now, but I really don’t feel like it.”  I could tell she was a bit pissed, but I did put myself first for once with her.   It felt good.