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While I can’t say things are great, everyday brings a little joy.  Not like some of the darker days when I couldn’t stop thinking and my stomach was upset all the time.

My wife and I are doing things together.  Simple things like lunch & dinner, shopping, and the like.  Times when it’s just the two of us and we have a common goal.   We get to talk.

We’re not in couples counseling now.  I’m sure we’ll be back at it at some point, but for now this is how we heal.  Day by day, meal by meal, joke by joke.

It’s not perfect, but it’s progress.

At home, we don’t get a lot of time to talk.  Busy times with the kids and other tasks make being at home a bit stressful at times.

When we are out together, I see her smile and we laugh and have a good time.  I love to see her smile.  All these months of her depression make even simple things important.  When she takes my hand in hers, my heart soars.  Letting her reach out to me instead of me chasing her actually works.

Currently we’re not in couples counseling.  I’m sure at some time we’ll be back in it, but for now, these little moments help heal.  Meal after meal, joke after joke, laugh after laugh.

It’s not perfect, but it is progress.

My wife’s having a bad day.  She’s in a bad mood and depressed.  Disconnected from the family.  One word answers to questions.

I KNOW that this is not my fault. I KNOW that there is nothing I can do to fix this.  I KNOW that this is her issue to work through.  

But, I FEEL like I need to do something.  Fighting the co-dependency urge is a difficult, conscious effort.  Over and over in my head, I have to chant, “It’s not your fault.  Don’t try to fix this.”

I hate these days.   They aren’t as hard as they have been in the past, but they still suck.

Gotta focus on doing positive things for myself and my kids.

I haven’t updated for a while.  I’m doing OK and things are getting better slowly. 

Slowly is the key word here.  I want things to go faster, but they simply can’t.

Dealing with my wife and depression is a daily chore, but I see progress.  She’s sticking with treatment and doing her part.  She’s not acting out in any way, as far as I’m aware.  I’m not a snooper, so I don’t check, but she’s given me no reason to suspect anything.

We are finding ways to talk about issues that don’t make her want to retreat and me not feeling a need for constant closure.  It’s uncomfortable at times and I have to be conscious to let things go.  Everything doesn’t need to be solved RIGHT NOW.

I did take my therapist’s advice and ask my wife to chose a time once a week for us to talk.  I told her I didn’t want to blindside her, but I did want have some time for discuss how things are going.  She agreed and was pleased to see that I recognized that she disliked being blindsided.  We still haven’t had a first meeting, but I’m trying to leave her in control.

Looking forward, there’s a weekend that we will both be out of town (seperate places) and the kids at my parents.  I have concerns about her being away and acting out, but it’s more feelings that rational thought.  She went away previously on another night and we did talk about my concerns.  It was a bit of challenge for me to bring it up, but I did.  She wasn’t offended and simply told me that nothing was going on and she wasn’t going to act out.  I simply have to accept that these things are out of my control, but that I do have a right to express my feelings.

Next step is to formally discuss my boundaries, moving forward with work on my codependency.  I’ve discussed this with my therapist and have a good idea of what I’m going to say, and what are the consequences in my mind if those boundaries are violated.  Once we start having our weekly chats, my plan is to talk about my boundaries then.

Slowly.

It all seems so slow.