I haven’t posted much, mainly because I haven’t had much to say.

It’s been about three weeks since I sat down with my wife and read her my letter.  The week or so afterward was very hard.  My wife was super-depressed and I fought to not give in to my co-dependent impulses.  Slowly, things have gotten better and things are OK.  We are able to enjoy talking, going out to eat and not feeling a lot of stress between us.

I’m not feeling the old paranoia and stress nearly as much.  I never thought those painful memories woudl lessen, but over time I find myself able to think about what happened and not feel that terrible sinking feeling.  It gives me hope that someday I won’t think about it all the time, every hour.

Keeping a distance from her depression is important to avoid falling into a cycle of love addict/avoidant behavior again, but it does leave me lonely.  I wish for a little more intimacy.  It’s a big deal for her to reach out first and want to hold hands or hug.  When she does reach out, I am thrilled but need to avoid doing something to get her to do it again.

Last week I woke up and wanted to hold her as I had been feeling disconnected.  I could feel that she was tense and that made it worse.  I told her how I was feeling and it snowballed into us both sitting in bed crying.   She was feeling terrible about herself and her inability to be close to me.  I was feeling even more lonely and tired of everything.  The good thing was that we were talking about the real feelings we were having, honestly.   Nothing got solved.  It didn’t end on a happy note, we just got up and got ready for the day.

In talking with my therapist, he said that we need to “count this as a victory” because it was intimacy that we were experiencing.  All intimacy isn’t Happy happy joy joy.  Sometimes telling the truth is enough.  To be honest, he’s right.  I will take honesty, even if it’s not what I want to hear.  No more lies.

We are going on vacation soon and I’m looking forward to that.  We’ve made some good plans to do things together and I’m hopefully that we can both stay on the path forward.

I hope you readers are making progress on your own paths.

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