I guess I should have listened more when a friend told me “How do you know when an addict is lying?  Their lips are moving…”

Overall it’s been tough going, feeling that we were treading water.  Things not getting worse, but thing not getting better in any measurable way.

I had been talking more to my wife about my needs and expressing my real feelings more.  Plenty of bad days of feeling upset and vulnerable, but mainly feeling like I could deal with things.

I had my counseling session yesterday and we talked about how to push my wife forward in her recovery.  I struggled with some of the ideas since I fear they will push her away.

A few hours after the session was over, I found out she had still been texting with her last acting out partner.  I was crushed.  I called her and confronted her about it.  I would have preferred to not do it over the phone, but I was so upset.

At first she denied it and then she admitted texting last week.  We talked about it and she was defensive and said she was trying hard.

She had been texting him that morning, so I knew she was lying.  I drove home and sat down to talk.

I confronted her specifically about the texting and she admitted that she had been texting him.  I kept saying that this was hurting me and that she needed to get more help.

She says she doesn’t know what to do and fears that every moment I’m going to question her or put a demand on her and push her in some other way.  She wants to escape, but won’t because of the kids.  We talked about separation.  First her saying how it would help her sort things out, then her not wanting to do it.

I kept pushing that what she was doing wasn’t working.  She said she is doing better.  I asked her to explain.  Besides not acting out, she didn’t have much to say.

She is pessimistic and says that she doesn’t know if she can “get in front of this”.   This scares me the most.  She talks about how bad she feels about herself and how horrible she is.

At one point all I could do was cry.  There’s nothing more I can say to her that I haven’t already said.

I love this woman and want her to be better, but unless she decides to change and can start loving herself, there’s not much I can do.

I feel terrible every moment.