I’m doing OK.  My wife’s doing OK.  Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, hopefully no one worried.

My therapist has been coaxing me into writing more about my feelings, but I really haven’t felt like it in a while.

Plenty to write about when I find the time.  But for now, a little positive stuff.

The hardest thing for me to do is not try to ‘fix’ my wife and to keep some distance between us to keep the love addict/love avoidant cycle from spinning.  I try very hard to be clear to myself as to why I do things and resist the urge to control situations.

It’s hard, hard, hard to have these conversations in my head and stop myself from the ‘old ways’, but you know what, it works.

For the last couple months, I’ve been focused on maintain a space between us where I don’t smother her, but am around.  My urge is to do things to get her attention and make everything special.   I resist that urge and try to be accepting of the situations.  For example, when I get home from work and nothing’s cooked, I say “What to go out?” and am ready to accept yes or no.  In the past, I would plan an elaborate dinner and be upset if things didn’t go as planned.  Now, I don’t do anything until I get home and try to be fine with any outcome.

Recently we went on a short trip together, just the two of us.  During that trip, she was affectionate and wanted to hold my hand.  Holding hands is a big thing.  When I first started on avoiding my love addict behavior, I decided that I wouldn’t initiate holding hands.  I was forcing the situation.  I went months without her holding my hand.

Once at a dinner with friends, she reached out and held my hand.  I was ecstatic over this small, but big, thing.  We talked about it later.  She had talked to her therapist and said that ‘lighting was coming out of his ears’ when she held my hand.  Her therapist said, “of course it did, he wants your love and affection”.

But on this trip, she wanted to hold my hand all day.  We had a great time shopping, going to dinner, drinks, and even ‘marital relations’ before sleep.  The next day, more of the same, good casual fun together.  It was wonderful.

I’m sure the fact that we were free from most of the pressures of daily life, work, kids, family, etc. helped.

My work is to enjoy what we had but not focus on making it my everyday.  I need to avoid planning ways to get back to that moment.  I need to stick to focusing on myself and not getting all up in my head.

She and I discussed it briefly yesterday.  She told me that she was missing an appointment with her therapist because she was having lunch with her best friend she wanted me to be sure that I knew she was going back next week.  It was her way of telling me that she’s still working on things, even though I’m not asking directly.  I told her thanks.  We discussed how I don’t ask her about her therapy and how it mad it easier for her.  I told her I was trying to give her space, but eventually I wanted to find a way so we can talk about it in a non-stressful way.

Progress, not perfection, right?

Well, time to run.   Be good to yourself.